Lost. That’s the only way I know how to explain the emotions I felt coming home from the Cleveland clinic on January 14th. All this time, I thought a diagnosis would bring me a sense of relief. However, this was quite the opposite of how I had felt. At the time, I didn’t know why I felt so lost and I was angry at myself for feeling this way. Over the last several months I was unable to see any sort of positivity. I promised myself, that I would change my mindset once I was diagnosed. But, no matter how hard I tried to see through the fog, it continued to thicken and cover my path.
It was weeks before I was able to see through the fog. I spent weeks simply waiting for the fog to lift before I realized that with extra caution and attention I could navigate through it.
The truth is, all this time I was under the assumption that I was sick but with a quick fix I would be better. I thought a magic pill was all it was going to take. Officially being diagnosed with MCAS reality finally hit me. I had to understand that although I was going to begin to feel better with medication, it wasn’t a cure. I would continue to have flare ups. I would continue to have allergies, and I would need to make adjustments in my life in order to feel as healthy as I possibly could at this point. I realized that life would get better than it was but it wasn’t ever going to be the same as it was prior to my freshman year. I had to accept this, but I couldn’t.
If you haven’t been through a diagnosis like this, it can be hard to understand the challenge that comes with accepting this new reality. I struggled on multiple levels. Weeks went by where I was at an all time low point in my life. During this time, I felt guilty and pathetic. I couldn’t understand why I was struggling so much to accept my diagnosis. There were people out there going through much worse and seemed to be handling there situations much better than I had.
You don’t always have to be thankful that your situation is not worse.Anonymous
Looking back on these few weeks I now understand that this period is normal for any person diagnosed with a chronic illness. Often times, these diagnosies require a major change in your lifestyle and it takes time to accept these drastic changes before you become okay with them. You can’t expect to simply come home from the doctor and be okay, it takes time to adjust to this new life.
There are still days now where I can’t see through the fog. Days where I am angry and feel resent towards those who are able to live a normal life. I have accepted that life won’t be exactly the same and will come with many new challenges but that doesn’t mean there won’t be times where I feel anger towards my situation. And that’s ok, everyone gets frustrated. However, I have learned that the fog can slow my journey but it will never stop it.